Mom and I just watched a movie on the Hallmark channel that made my heart break. I know - it was a “chick flick” that plays on the emotions. This one most definitely played on my emotions. One of the main characters was a mother who was going blind - just like Mom! Throughout the movie it showed what the mother was seeing - actually what she couldn't see!! I sat there and wondered if this was what Mom able to see - but I already know the answer - it is!
The daughter had moved away and had a very successful and lucrative career - I may have had a successful career since I survived to retirement, but it was not as lucrative as this daughter’s. To give a short synopsis of the show I will simply say the daughter was told of her mother’s condition and was asked to come back to help her to save the ranch without her mother‘s knowledge! Thus the story line was very engaging at times! The movie caused me to reflect back over the last several years about my mother.
My family - Dad. Mom. Dink, John. me, Mike - August 17, 1996
One of Dad’s concerns was who would help Mom if he should pass away first. He actually knew that there would never be a time that one of us (my brothers and myself) wouldn’t be there to help Mom. She never drove and always had Dad to take her wherever she wanted or needed to go. As the years passed she also had her children, grandchildren, and in-laws who would drive “Miss Irene” to her destination. Days before Dad left us, he asked that we take care of our mother. Needless to say, he knew he didn’t need to ask us to that, but it was reassuring to him in his final hours that Mom would not be left alone.
Mom has always done for others. She has helped nurse the sick back to health, cooked meals for a large number of relatives and friends who had come to visit, and made hundreds of baby afghans for many family and friends. She has always found something to do - never one to sit back for a long period of time - always doing for others.
For the last several months, I have noticed Mom’s eyesight has gotten worse. She tries to ignore it and hides it from most people. She gets down and disheartened because she can’t see to read new recipes or crochet. I have caught her with tears streaming down her face - she didn’t know I was watching.
She loves it when I’m here, and we do things together in the kitchen. Her mood is so light and jovial. She also loves it when Mike is with her, and he takes her to some of the places she and Dad would go. She absolutely loved it when John would come in and stay for a week -they always had such a great time. Dink asks about Mom and comes to see her and she goes to see him. The last time they were together, he grabbed her hand, pulled her down, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. Mom was thrilled!!!!!!! She worries about her oldest and continuously prays for his recovery!
I have heard and read so many stories about how the children can not (or will not) help their elderly parents. Many times it’s an issue of distance between the homes, and other times it is financial - the children can not take off from work. Fortunately for us, three of us were retired with Mike being the only one still working; Mom also had grandchildren who were able and capable of helping her. But since last August the numbers of those available has diminished - John passed away in August - 2008; Dink had a massive stroke and heart-attack in February - 2009. This has weighed heavily on Mom. She feel as if she has become a burden, but Mike and I assure her she isn’t.
Mom looking pretty - not knowing her picture was being taken! May 16, 2009
It is not easy for anyone who has an elderly parent. All routines, priorities, and concerns have changed. Mom is scared, but she knows we are here for her. She told us a story about a couple she knew who had told their elderly mother they were going for a drive. They took her to a nursing home and dropped her off!!!!! I’ve heard many stories such as this. It is not easy to leave your home and take care of a parent, but it is the right thing (I think) to do. All of the sleepless nights, worries, penny pinching to assure there would be enough money for the family's needs should account for something. Some people think it is a way to pay our parents back - I think it is a way to tell them how much we love them!!!
My family has a schedule in which we all take time to be with Mom. As Mike and I have talked with one another, we both have said and believe, “She is our mother, and she is our responsibility.” We are thankful that the “kids” will fill in for us if there was a need or emergency. We both are flexible with staying - if Mike is out of town, I’m there and vice-versa! Billy has been a tremendous help with staying with “that little lady he loves more than anything!” I know the day will come when Mom will go home to be with Dad and John, but for now we are trying to make her life as happy as it can be!
She is a little on edge right now. She has a tooth that needs to be pulled. Due to the medication she is taking, it can't be done until she is off that medication for 5-7 days! They are putting her to sleep which is also a little scary. The doctor told us even with her being off the medication she will still bleed quite an bit, and we need to really keep an eye on her for 48 - 72 hours! Hopefully on Monday, we will find out when the tooth will be pulled!
So many families have to make that decision to place a parent or other relative in a nursing home. All families and situations are different. For our mother, the decision of taking care of her is one we do with love. I pray that for all of those mother and fathers out there that have a young family that they will be there for you as you are for them - just like Mom and Dad were there for my brothers and me! (Just like your parents were there for you!) Sacrifices are made every hour of every day for someone we love!!!!! We make these sacrifices because of love - not because we expect something in return!
I try not to make judgement on anyone and whether they are able to help take care of their elderly parent(s). But I do cringe when I think about the abuse some of these older people endure. Many are at the mercy of family members who resent being placed in that position. Some do not want to give up "their life" as it is now to take care of an older person; some can't because they still have to work; and others just don't want the responsibility. I know some who are taking care of an elderly parent and are having a hard time adjusting. They are becoming depressed and are in need of prayer. I am thankful the responsibility of taking care of Mom is not on my shoulders alone. We are a family, and as a family we will do what we want and need to do to help our mother.
My brothers and I have never thought of helping with Dad or Mom as a burden! We all have had to juggle things around, but that's okay - they juggled things around many times for us when we were growing up!! There are some who do not understand the commitment we have to help Mom and one another. It is called family love and respect! I may be retired, but I have responsibilities that I take seriously and with an abundance of love. I do get frustrated and stressed at times, but that's just me. Those of us that are here are trying our best to not only help Mom, but one another as well.
Unless you have walked in these shoes, you have no idea as to the pressure and love we feel. We love our Mother very much and will do all we can to help her! We also are very thankful for our spouses and their understanding. It is just as difficult on them, but with their love and support we have and will do what needs to be done. Love is a key factor!!!!!!!!
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