There is a reason for me writing this post. I feel that there are some who constantly question how much time we leave our home to stay with Mom. Mike and I are predominantly the ones who do this. The reason is simple - we love our mother!! Some have even said, "can't someone else stay with her.?" Why would we want that. Mike still works; I'm retired which means I have a little more free time than he does. It has also given me the flexibility to be free to take her to her doctor appointments which is great. Neither one of us is "burdened" with the responsibility of helping Mom. I don't like the word "burden," but I'm afraid that's what some people think it is. They can no longer live "their" life their way! I have heard others say, be with your mother as much as you can, because one day she will also be gone. She is doing great, and we are hoping to give her a big birthday "bash" when she turns 90 in February!!!
Some of those who have made these comments have mothers who are younger and able to do what ever they want with no help. Someday, the time may come when they WILL need to assist their elderly parents. Others have been people who just don't understand the commitment we have to family. Is it easy - no, not always. It is hard to leave home, but when you have a supporting spouse who understands the relationship we have with our mother, then it makes leaving home to go home a lot easier! When the month comes to an end, the number of nights we spend with Mom are as even as possible - we don't keep tabs of who stays the most - we do what needs to be done because WE LOVE OUR MOTHER! I have discovered there are many people out there who are "me" people. Whether in their 20's, 30's, 40's, or 50's, they tend to think about themselves first - everyone else is second. I know that God wants us to take care of those in need - especially our family!!!
I have spent the last two nights with Mom. Last week I was with her four nights. Some nights we just sit and watch TV; other nights we may go to K-Mart, Wal-Mart, AC Moore, Target or the store; and sometimes we just stay home and cook! We all try to keep her busy when we stay with her, but not overdo it. Billy and Mike have both been sick, and we definitely did not want Mom exposed to the "germs.!" Billy came to the door and talked to Mammaw through the window!!! Checking up on her to make sure she was okay! :)
The comments made about "WHY" do "YOU" have to stay with her gets old after a while. WHY - let me tell you why. Who cared for me when I was born five weeks premature? Who took care of not one baby, but two babies? Who worried about where the money was going to come from for the medicine we needed? Who made the dresses I wore to church and school. Who lost many hours of sleep because all four of her children had the flu. who did without so that her husband and four children could have what they needed? Who indeed!!!! That was Mom.
In the beginning there was four of us who was able to take turns to stay with her, then last August it went from four to three due to the unexpected death of my brother, John. Then this past February, the number dropped down to two after my oldest brother, Dink, suffered a severe stroke and heart-attack. Too many times I have heard people say, "your family is large, you all can take turns!" Whose mother is she??? Dink, Mike's, and mine!!! Dink isn't able to help, but his oldest son Billy tries to stay on his days off. What about the rest of the family? Two are full time students with more than their share of work, plus working at a job to make ends meet. One is helping take care of his father and working when the opportunity for work is available. The others live too far away, are raising a family, and have jobs they need to hold down.
Sure if there was a need for one of the grand kids to help out - they would. Mike and I have said it many times - "She is our mother. We will do all we can to help her. Not only is it our responsibility to do so, but an honor for all she has done for us!"
Why are people so cruel? Why do so many people put their parents in a home? Some have really good reason in doing that, others do it because they are selfish. They want to live their life with no strings attached and keeping them from doing and going where they want. We try to make sure Mom doesn't feel like a burden. She knows it is tough for us to leave our homes, and doesn't want to cause problems for us. We are lucky in that those left at home understand! Sure we miss being home, but Mom is worth the sacrifices.
I have seen and heard so many of the younger generations make comments about what they were going to do if their parents got too old and feeble and couldn't live by themselves. I know of situation right now where the son has taken over all powers, sold his mother's car and house, then placed her in a "living assistance" complex out of state. Hmmm - seems like greed may have played a part in his decision. This lady was still able to take care of herself in her own home!
I am the only daughter, and therefore Mom likes for me to be here to help her do certain things - one of which is cooking. She loves to help cook up some new and old dishes. She loves her sons tremendously - one reason she loves to help me cook is so the boys will have something to eat! :)
As I sit here and write this I think about my future. I was not fortunate enough to give birth to a child. I will never know the love of a daughter or son as Mom and Dad has. Sure, I have nieces and nephews who love Aunt Sue; I have a step-son who loves me; but, it's not the same as having your own child love you! Regardless of how hard they have tried to include me, I am and will always be just their aunt and step-mother. I do not expect any of them to put me above their own parents - never.
I watched as Dad tried to take care of my grandparents. The love between parent and child was evident. Then the four of us taking turns to help Mom care for Dad those last five months - the love was there also. There was nothing we wouldn't have done to help make Dad's last days here on this earth the best it could be. Maybe we were being selfish in that we wanted to be the ones doing for him because we wanted to spend as much time with him as we could.
Mom is 89. I want to make her as happy as she can be. Her family has a history of a long life span, and we want her to be as happy as she can. Mike and I have certain "duties" that she does not want anyone else to do. We try to accommodate her as much as possible.
There are many families who have shuffled the responsibility to one child. They causes a lot of hard feelings and resentment. I have seen this happen so many times, and the resentment was hard to overcome. Thankfully we DO NOT have that happening with our family. Should Bill and I be going out of town or to a concert, then Mike or Billy takes my place with Mom that night. Should either one of them be going somewhere or even happen to be sick, then I pick up their night. No fussing No grumbling! No resentment. Should there be something happen that Mike, Billy, or myself would not be available, Meghan, Todd, and Bobby are willing and able to help their Mammaw out! :):)
So to those who don't understand why anyone would leave their home to help care for their parents, there is only one thing I can say - It is because we love them with our entire being and are grateful for what they had done for us!
We love our mother and will do all we can to help her!
We are so thankful we still have her with us!
I know there are many families out there who do not have the family support our family has, and it is tough. Many times there is only person who is available or willing to care for the elderly family member, other times there is no one who physically or financially can take on the responsibility. This is so sad! To those of you who still have your parents, please give them the love and support they need as they have always given you!
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